So I've been a bit hit and miss recently....

.... mainly miss.

There are things going on in my life that make me smile.  There are things going on that make me realise life is worth living, and that I can do more than just exist.  It's like coming from Kansas to Oz, from outside the gates and into the Chocolate Factory.  Suddenly life is in technicolour and is marvellous.

Yeah.

I've met someone.

And he's woken up my dormant self, and I am happy again.

Some women are proud of the fact they don't need a man to be happy.  I'm proud of the fact that I know me, and that I put my son's needs first, and that this is a good man for both of us, that I'm not afraid to try again, not going to cower behind my grief and not face the world.  It's someone Rich knew, and liked very much. It's someone who has stories to tell the AC when he cries for Rich, stories I don't know.  Someone the AC turns to for help, because boy-children need a man to show them how to grow.

So there we go.

I'm a happy bunny.

However, (and the new man knows this) it doesn't mean I don't love Rich, it doesn't mean I stopped missing him, or that his death doesn't hurt like merry hell, still.  It means I have to get up, face the world, and I'm coming out fighting.

Fighting for all that is the AC's and mine.

Oh yes.

That "Happy Ever After " thing?  I'm claiming it.  It's ours.

So much to say,

I have so much to say, but there are 2 important things.

Swallow whatever you are drinking now people.  I mean it.

One is that I have heard that the reason Rich didn't speak to Ian-the-brother was because (are you ready people?) Ian and I were originally together, and Rich had stolen me from him.  I laughed when I was asked about this.  I was asked in all seriousness, by someone, how long Ian and I had been seeing each other.  I said that he and I had never met until the day of the accident.  The person who asked me believed me, but said that this was all over where he had heard it from, and that was the cause of the issues between Ian and I.

Not the fact he took Rich's ashes without telling me, deliberately, and scattered them, deliberately without me.
Not the fact that I was told that the AC didn't matter, that his and Rich's feelings for each other didn't matter.
Not the fact that he was finding truth difficult.

Nope.

Apparently the "fact" was, that he and I had been an item.

Get a grip.

The second is that I love this song.

(DepecheMode - Somebody)

for a reason.

Yeah.

urgh and yay.

Today, I feel like poop.

Poop on a stick.

Poop on a stick with leaves on it.

Poop on a stick with leaves on it and now it's been trodden on.

Yeah.

But there are things to be thankful for.

+Good friends who understand me, who love the AC and I, and who want what is best for us.  Friends who support, cherish, and kick backside when required.

+MSN messenger, with it's free video chats.

+School, which pays the bills, I enjoy going, and which is full of people who support, cherish, and kick backside when required.

+Life.  As Land Rover says "One life - Live it!"

+My mother, who has made inroads into The Corner.

+My beautiful son who makes me laugh every day and has a very important job to do today.  He has been commissioned to go into the computer place we use and test drive a new HP computer for them.  Yes, the touch screen one *swoon* Hopefully I get a turn as well, but he's the one being paid in chocolate.

+getting yet another CRB check done.

But I would quite like some sleep tonight.  I'm not getting a lot of sleep right now, and I think I need some soon! But lets face it.  If that's *all* the poop, and the rest is shiny rainbows, well, that's life.  Looks like everything might well all be fine.

Random stuff

First day back was ok.

I was queen of y34 because there was no one else in.
I had long phonecalls in the evening.
I have another long phonecall to make tonight.
I am grateful for friends who accept me for who I am and praise with me.

And I've overslept, so I'm late for work.  But I did get BG's b'day presents yesterday.  Hopefully they'll go on Friday.  Having to wait for payday bites the big one.

Back to school again

It's the first day of summer term today.

At the end of this term will be a year of us being apart, a year of no phonecalls for the BG, a year of no tickles for the AC, a year of no warmth in the bed for me.

A year.

It barely seems possible, and yet all too impossible to believe that it is only a year.

The plans for the YaaD celebration are well underway.  The last of him will be set free in the woods, so that he is back to the Earth that bore him, that he loves, so I will always know where the last of his earthly remains are so that I can show BG, I can take AC there on a regular basis.  It's somewhere fun as well as woody, and that's the way it should be - Rich was too great a man to be remembered with tears forever, and it is somewhere that we have memories of being at.

The weekend was good, in many ways, difficult as we went through yet more firsts, through 9 months, but it's ok.  It will all be fine.  Things happened that made me smile through to the eyes, for the first time in a long, long time. I think I'm fine with it all, I just need to talk to someone.

Ok.

Time to do work.

9 months

Well.

Where to start?

With a phonecall Friday night from someone who needed someone?

With a lovely day today, even though it's 9 months, even though my internal clock was tick, tick ticking away?

With a party at Lynnsport which was so much fun last year with Rich, and so, so, painful today.

With an e-card being ignored?

With pettyness and nastyness on one side, and love and support and kindness and caring on the other?

With complications and technicalities on one side, and the possibility of realising dreams on the other?

I have no idea where to start, what to say, or how to say it.

I'm tired, I love Rich, and he loves me.  The AC is in bits over the way today is 9 months - I didn't tell him, I didn't mark it on the calendar, but he knows.

Tea.  A cup of tea is where to start.

Feelings

This was written last night but ended up in drafts for some reason!





Some days, like yesterday, there is nothing to say. Some days my existence seems to carry on by itself. Puttering along, just being.

Rich and I used to just 'be' together. We liked just being. Nothing special, just being.

Now, there is this.... Life. It is a life, and I am glad to have it, and I wouldn't be without it, but to be fair it's taking a while to get the hang of. There are lots of people in my life who were in it before, but moreso now.

Today has been a nice day. April and I went to Wroxham Barns which was great. There were craftsmen and a wonderful fabric shop. I also bought a dress for the Christening on Sunday and I'll wear it for Pete's daughter's christening as well. It is always such an honour to be asked, and I am so proud that Pete's daughter will be my 5th goddaughter.

Babies bring such hope, and whilst I wish with all might heart that rich and I had had a child to raise together from birth, he was such a wonderful father to the AC that I know he would have been brilliant with an infant, and with them both or all as they got older and eventually got to adults.

Ah well. I just miss him so, so badly.




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A holiday in pictures.

We played, we went to Lacock Abbey, we looked at centuries of history, the AC and Mum played the Grand piano there (yes, with permission!) mum was asked for encores, and we had a good time.

I was going to write more than this but blogspot is being difficult tonight!

We're home......

..... from the South.

The AC has been beautifully well behaved, as he mostly always is.  He has developed the nearly-7-year-old-boy smutty sense of humour, but it's a phase and he should be out of it by the time he's 30.

Hopefully.

We've done lots, seen lots of people, and generally had a lovely, lovely break.

Photos etc tomorrow hopefully.

I'm so tired lol!

Stuff whilst I'm watching tv

I was wondering what I think about when I'm watching tv. For the purposes of this I'm watching some programme about pagents.

One of these people has had the child in pagents since she was 8months and it was planned since she was in the womb - as soon as they knew she was a girl. Sheesh!

Rich and I used to be so amazed by this aspect of the USA.

Oh my word! They are tanning the children! I thought facials and nails and earrings were stupid enough for a girl, but tanning? (yes, I am glad I have a boy)

Ok well, it's the first adverts so I'm phoning mum.


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The Sound of Music

It is strange how something so familiar has new meaning in my new world.

The Captain is someone I understand now, someone who has reshaped the world into one he controls, because when he couldn't control his wife dying.  He is searching for someone to be happy with, to get back that which he had. Searching for meaning back in his life.

I've never cried at this film before.

Today I've done nothing but.

I'm staying at the folks tonight.  Then on Monday the child and I are going away with them on a little holiday to see family.

Lovely, lovely family.