Mobile blog test

I'm trying a mobile blog app on the phone of geniusness.

It's early morning. Real early, and I'm lying here, thinking about my tattoo. Yes. A tattoo.

I'd like a book, with 4 things coming out of the pages. A rainbow, a dove, and "philippians 4:13," and one other verse which I am yet to decide upon. I want it on my skinny old ribs, which will hurt, or on my shoulder. But if I have it on my shoulder I can't see it! And I can't wear ball gowns. Or off the shoulder tops.

Hmmmmmm.

And just to test, this is us at the beach.




In other news, I walked 5.7 miles yesterday (in 2 lots of about 2.3 and 2.4 as it was slightly longer back to home) to go to a TaHMS meeting.  It was good, and whilst I was sore in the evening in the hip, I managed to do both lots in around 40 minutes, which isn't bad really.  Stupidly though, I had boots with a heel on them, and that's why my hip was sore.
Last day of school today before half term.  Non uniform! Yay!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Broken AC

The AC broke last night, big style.  Assembly had been about if you could spend a day with your hero, who would it be?  Obviously the AC wanted to spend the day with Rich.  Last night he melted down completely again (although the first time in several weeks I think) and cried as though his little heart was broken.  He ended up staying up until just before J got home whilst I calmed him down, loved him, cried with him a little bit, and listened to his hurt just pouring out of his body.

He was scooting up the stairs just as J got here, and so J called him down again, and they had 5 minutes on the sofa to cuddle so he could tell J all about it, and he did, without tears, and then J put him to bed and all was well.  He now doesn't go to sleep until J gets home.  He has to know that J is safe.

They are both so great.  I am so lucky.

In other news,

I have a new child next year who requires me to be restraint trained to have him in my class. 

I have to spend the next 7 weeks working with someone who I have a low opinion of professionally and who doesn't like me and I don't like her.  And that's ok - you can't like everyone, and some people like no-one!  But the reason she'll be in my room with one of my children is because she won't do something that another child needs her to do, so my TA has to go to that with that child, and I get this other woman.  But it's only Thursday mornings.  I can be nice to someone for 21 hours of my life. I'm going to pray to find lovely things about her that are really likeable.  I didn't find them in the 2 years she worked in my room before, but I might find them this time.......

Someone phoned whilst I was cooking and I didn't flour the cake tin.  I did grease it.  It was a loaf tin and the cake stuck.  Like an absolute sod.  It tastes gorgeous though, and we will be having it in lunchboxes today!

Speaking of which, I better go and make them.

I am so behind on reading blogs, I'm hoping to catch up in half term.....

In the back garden last night.....

J "Are we going to have another night like last night tonight?"

Me. "What like last night?"

J "Where you can't lie still and you're thrashing and whimpering?"

Me. "Ah.  Possibly, but I wouldn't think so."

J "You only watched 20 minutes of the film."

Me. "Yeah.  When I told you, and everyone else told you, that I don't do horror films?  We all meant it.  Really, I don't."

J "Oh well.  You know I still love you though, right?" *snuggles me*

Me "Yep.  I know." :-)

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I am going to watch the film though.  I am going to learn to like horror films.  OK, maybe not like, but certainly be able to watch more than 20 minutes of latex and corn syrup without being "paralysed with fear with tears running down her face" as he told Malc at work.  It's pathetic, I'm 35, (with the body of a 25year old, as I was told the other day - but it's ok, I'll dispose of that in half term....) and I can't watch something like that.  I know it's to do with my ability to suspend belief in reality, and how good I am at that, which conversely, makes me an excellent gamer and rpg-er, and means I can read fast and with good understanding because I make my own pictures quickly and easily, but it's a pain in the posterior for something like this.

We also had a long chat about Eastenders last night.  Now to my mind, that's an awful programme.  Along with the other soaps it is the modern opiate for the masses, but 'Enders is more of a heroin than the cannabis that the others are.  However, I'm going to be watching and paying attention to it, and it will be an interesting part of my ongoing love-hate relationship with the television.

In other news, the AC and I had a wonderful time yesterday afternoon, just chilling out and being us.  J is now having his son every evening, which is lovely for him, and contrary to what is thought, will not stop us seeing each other lol!  Why can't ex-wives just move on?  Especially when *they* were the ones that left?  *they* chose to end it, to run off, and yet they then choose to make life difficult for the man they dislike so much to be happy.  Thankfully I can, hand on my heart, say that AC's father and I have a much more grown up relationship than that, and that actually, I'd quite like him to be happy with someone else.  He's not, and he won't be, because he's a control freak, and that's why his last 3 relationships have ended, but I wish he would be.

Oh well.  Ours is not to reason why!

A range of emotion...

I am living within a wide range of emotions.

Over this weekend I have felt anger, despair, hope, love, joy, fear, and contentment.  Oh, and pretty anything else you care to mention in between.

The anger and despair came from yet another bailiffs letter about debts from Rich and the She-Ex's marriage.  J and I have discussed it, and have decided that any more that come will be sent back to them, with her address on as the next of kin.  She was so keen to claim the title, she can have the work and the problems that come with it.

I felt hope when I looked at my son playing with J, at his smiles to him and J's smiles to the AC.  When we went to a bbq at a friend of J's on camp, (and those last two words matter) and we were instantly accepted.  Where Rich was talked about with love and affection and interest, and where I was told how much J talked about the AC and I, and how much he wanted to be in our lives.  Not by J, but by his friend, was how I came by this information.

I felt love when I looked at the three of them together.  J, the AC, and T-boy, J's son.  He's an utter handful, but nothing that can't be helped.

The joy came from whizzing down the slide at the swimming pool, from walking up the steps again and realising that I am looking pretty slim and fine these days. (Yes, I know it's shallow, but I have a responsibility to my man to be as attractive as I can, or who can blame him for looking elsewhere if I let myself go, and smell, and aren't interested in him?)  I can run after my son on a beach, catch him, and roll him over.  I can snuggle with the man on the sofa because there is room for the two of us.  It's a small joy, but it's mine and I've worked hard for it lol!

The fear was replaced by love and a joy in being accepted.  J put a film on on Sunday night that I had never seen - Nightmare on Elm Street.  I was petrified.  I'm not ashamed to say it.  I lasted 20 minutes before J chose to turn it off because I was just lying in his arms, watching the tv with an unshakable stare, tears rolling down my face.  I said it could stay on, but I am glad he turned it off, glad he didn't think I was a girly wuss, glad that he held me and told me I was brave in so many other ways, that it didn't matter.  That's love, that's a joy in being accepted for who one is.

And the contentment?  That comes from my whole life.  From living to the most of each day, accepting what God gives me, and loving the world around me as hard as I can.

Why not?

What did I do yesterday?

Aside from work 8-3.15, run training for others from 3.30-5.30 get home, sort out the new hutch for the pig by moving it from the front of the house to the back of the house, by going *through* the house, filling the hutch with sawdust and straw (and then guinea pig), empty the old hutch and take it out of the house to the back ready for cleaning and eBaying, hoover through, change the curtains from the green velvet to the cream linen, hoover through the front room again, put bread in the bread maker, change the washing over to drying, put more things in the washer,  and by then it was 7pm and time to sit down, snuggle with the boy and phone J so that the AC could say his good nights, (tho J was coming over later, AC would be in bed) and I had a cup of tea.

Then a quick bath, Tesco delivered some shopping, I put the shopping away, sorted out tea for J and I, wrote his Testimonial, and went to bed.

Busy busy lol!

Some days are just like that.  The house looks great though.  J and I had some long conversations recently and we can both see where this is going, we both like that, and we're both not going to hang about.  I opened a bag of stuff that had come out of the Disco on Tuesday evening, and it was all Rich's stuff from going away on a course.  It smelled of him, it was one of the jumpers of his that he loved to see me in, it was his writing, his book, his clothes, it was his washbag, it was all him.  I cried in a way I haven't for a few weeks now, and J just held me in his arms on the floor, loving me, and comforting me, and telling me how much he missed Rich as well, and how we better get this stuff away before the AC got home and saw it and was upset as well. It's things like that that tell me J is the right man for us.  He says it's shortbread that tells him I'm the right girl for him.... (amongst other things, I hasten to add!)

Both of us feel like we have the right to be happy again, and that it isn't going to come to us, we have to go find it.  We went into this as friends, and then it got deeper - we weren't looking for *this*, but if we hadn't even bothered as friends because we were so swamped in our own past miseries, then *this* would never have happened.

Oh, and I got my 1-1 money.  I cleared £621! So we're putting the Passat back on the road ASAP and then that'll make it cheaper for J to be here and to start moving his stuff here.  Like I said, we know what we want and how we want to be.  There's no point in playing at this.  Either we want to be together or we don't.  We do! 

Anyway, today's to-do list is growing already.

Laters people.

Oh My Word.

I had a new child yesterday.
I have another new child today.

Technically the second isn't new, she used to be here before, but then stuff happened in her life and she wasn't, and now she is again.

The first new child is totally new.  She's had a difficult life as well.

What on earth do we do to our children?  Of course, I can't write about what has *actually* gone on, but yeah.  Bad parenting really messes up children.

That's all I can legally say about that.

In other news, life is good.  It's a different kind of good than it was supposed to be, but it's not a bad good, or a better good, just a different good.

10 months

10 months ago today, right now, Rich was upstairs.  All "warm and gorgeous" I said.  10 months ago I had got out of bed, paused to watch him sleep, just for a moment, like I always did, and come down to get things done down here. 


Just like today.  Except that today, the person asleep in the massive bed upstairs isn't Rich, (and no, it's not the AC either) and I have an irrational fear of him going to work.  He doesn't have a bike, he doesn't use the same route Rich did, for all he works at the same place.  But today, I just want him to stay at home, with the AC, so neither of them get hurt,


And that, Dear Reader, is somewhat ridiculous.  It's daft.  It's irrational, illogical, and entirely in my head.  I am in danger of becoming a Marvin.  (for those poor, poor souls who never read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, that's Marvin, the Paranoid Android)




Lol.


Utterly, utterly lol.


You will have no idea why I'm lol-ing, but I am.  There I am, in the midst of a Marvin moment (with tears, but no snot) when I *hear* the beginning of the radio version in my head.


Like this.

"This is the story of ‘The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’. Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book, ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than ‘The Celestial Homecare Omnibus’, better selling than ‘Fifty-Three More Things To Do In Zero Gravity’, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid’s trilogy of philosophical blockbusters: ‘Where God Went Wrong’, ‘Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes’, and ‘Who Is This God Person Anyway?’. And in many of the more relaxed civilizations on the outer eastern rim of the galaxy, the ‘Hitch Hiker's Guide’ has already supplanted the great ‘Encyclopaedia Galactica’ as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom. Because although it has many omissions, contains much that is apocryphal - or at least wildly inaccurate - it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important ways: first, it is slightly cheaper, and second, it has the words ‘Don’t Panic’ inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover."

Yes.

Don't panic.

Thankyou Rich, point taken.

Love you.  I'm going to bin out the rest of this negative post and go off to make pack ups.

Lol.

Marvin.

Lol.

large friendly letters.

LOL.

Maybe I should change the title of this post to "A trip on the emotional rollercoaster that is anniversaries" 

LOL :-)

the Art Centre

Yesterday I took the children to the Art Centre.  It was fabulous.  We made and drew and danced - yes, I danced!  I was complimented on my control of the 45 of them, and how they clearly loved and respected me, which was nice to hear from a complete stranger - kind of validates how I teach I think!

We had staff meeting, and then the AC and I came home, made spag bol, J was home for tea about 6, and everything was just seriously normal.  Just normal.  We watched some tv, and the AC went to bed after snuggling both of us goodnight.

I emailed a couple of people to let them know about J last night, and we've changed our mutual relationship status' on FB.  I didn't know what the reaction would be, and I wanted not to care, but, Dear Reader, you know me..... However, so far I have 11 comments - all good.  I have 16 likes on the status change.  I have comments on here, and to my face that tell me that this is a good thing, that the world approves.  J was concerned because he worked with Rich, and work can be funny about things like that.  Not one negative comment.  Just a small chat from the Chief to make sure that his intentions were honourable as I had been through enough. (Bless him, he's lovely - but I am a big girl....)

I've been told how nice it is to see my smile dance in my eyes again, to hear my singing in the corridor, to see the enthusiasm back in my job.  To see me, back to normal.  The world that cherished me through the pain, is now loving me through the recovery.  It knows that the AC and I miss Rich, J misses him too.  We talk about him, he is part of our lives, even in the birth of a new relationship, in the birth of hope and a future.

Last year, today, I wrote this.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Warmth and love

... and that's about all I need.

I went to bed after posting, he came up a bit later, and I was asleep, but woke up enough to feel him climb in next to me, wrap himself around me, and whisper how much he loved me in my ear. And I was warm, and loved, and the world became a nicer place.

Other fantabulous things that happened yesterday were that the She-Ex phoned here because they were going out for Mothers Day, and R and BG had a good conversation. I had asked her to let us know what was going on with the call and so on, but she didn't/couldn't so I was kneeling on the table with my hand down the back of the computer helping R feed the cables up! I just stayed there whilst he chatted, and then he finished talking to BG and put the phone down. It went again, he answered it, and then gave the phone to me, and BG said "Happy Mothers Day S" and I was so blessed by that! And she said she loves me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

There was more, and it's made me realise how lucky the AC and I are to have another chance at loving, and at family.  How much I did need to take a chance and put my pride aside to open up to someone else - children need a father figure, need a man around.  It also made me realise how much nicer life is without the She-Ex in my life.  I miss BG, I think about her daily, wondering what she's up to, how she's doing, but it was completely made clear that she was Rich's child, and the AC was nothing to do with him, and so that's the way it is.  One day I will find her and tell her how her father died, how everyone behaved, how things were just before he died, because she needs to know.  But right now she's just an 8 year old with a medal in the house that her mother and she didn't earn, but that wasn't her fault.  She was only 6 then.

Right, I have to shake myself and get on, secure in the knowledge that I am loved and cherished.

I guess being loved is my normal.

Normal is good.

Friday again?

Another one?

Just how many Fridays are there?

This is the 42 week Friday.  For some reason, best known to itself, but probably pregnancy related, this week doesn't matter as much as next week is filling me with doom.  Why?  Well, no doubt at some point next week my subconscious will actually mention it to me. 

Or it might not. Y'know how subconsciouses can be.  If that's even a word.

In other news, I've done the adults lists for the trips, I've organised next week, I've still got to plan Monday for everyone, but it's going to be about Tudor clothing, and that's the focus for the day. So there.  We're still 2 teachers down.  We're coping.  Well.  I'm coping.

In other news some more, we are still waiting for the result for the General Election.  It's looking like a hung parliament, but it looks as though Henry Bellingham has held Norfolk North West, which is a good thing - he's a good Norfolk lad who knows the area, the constituency, the people.  He also sent me a lovely letter after Rich died.

Plans for this weekend are loose, but mainly involve J and I sorting through the front room.  There are things to be saved to send to BG when she is bigger, there are things to be binned, things to be saved, things to be cherished.  J is being so supportive about all of it, and is lovingly leading me through the end of the harshness of this grief stage.  He is amazing with the AC, cuddling him when he cries for Rich, as he still does.  AC loves J (his words) and is thankful to God that we have J.  Yes.  *he* is thankful to God.  It is a step towards the angry child forgiving the Omnipotent Being for taking away the man he loves.  We've talked about how things have changed, will change, how they changed when Rich moved in here, how they changed when Rich died, how they changed when J and I (accidentally almost) started seeing each other.  It's only been 3 weeks, but the changes in us are noticed by all around us.

Right now, I feel like life might be fine, that it will all be fine, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't an oncoming train....

Earlies are not nice.

Earlies are too early, these days.  Maybe I'm getting relaxed or old or something lol, but today is too early.  I've had a massive headache behind one eye (the right one!) since 3am. I've taken some big nurophen and that's kicking backside, but it's still there.  It'll get better.

J is putting on weight since we've been together.  Apparently it's the cake and good cooking.  He'll get used to it....

I, on the other hand, am losing weight since we've been together.  Hmmm.  Not sure why, but fine with it, although I put a few pounds on over Pack Holiday.

The AC is wonderful.

The cats are confused by scalectrix.  This is a funny thing.

I've planned the work for everyone for today, so it's just a case of getting on and doing it!

Gooooooooooooo team three-four! (well, me.)

*yaqn*

Oh.

That should say Yawn.  Never mind.  I am just a very very tired bunny.  Camping over the weekend has not agreed with me in many ways lol!  However, I had fun and the children had fun, and there will be pictures later oin, but I left the laptop in the car and so it's cold.  I'll start it later on and warm it up.

J and I had lots of talking last night and it was good.  He told me exactly how he feels, and as I feel to a similar strength, all is good.  Very good, in fact.

However, being away for 3 days means I have a LOT of work to do this morning.

LAters peoples.  Laters, with punctuation and spelling and alsorts. of cool stuff!