New attitude. New people?

I'm opening this blog up. Its always been public, because I'm not ashamed of what I think, and I'm not going to not say it just because it might offend someone.

But I'm putting this out there a little. British Mummy Bloggers is creating comment rings. I'm sat on my backside and can't do a lot. I can at least read other peoples blogs and comment on them. I'm reading the same blogs, and whilst I love them, I also want to read some new stuff.

I'm going to be linking to my new finds (or technically, the ones the lovely BMB lady linked me with.) and hopefully they will interest some of my readers too!

It's just time to reach out of my comfort zone a bit. You all know how that is.

*sigh*

Ok.

I overdid things yesterday. I can't bend the leg now. I can't walk as far as the kitchen. This is going to be a long day. I've hit the ibruprophen already today. 400mg hasn't touched it. Winge. Moan. Wimper.

It's pathetic really! LOL!

I'm on the sofa, with a duvet, the jeans duvet, the table turned sideways with tea and Ginger biscuits, knitting to hand, iBooks on here, Kindle on here, cats on my feet and the day stretching out in front of me. There's no post though. Good or bad? LOL. Who knows.

But I've made a decision or three whilst I've been lying on the sofa.

And it's about more than cups of tea. However, I'm tired and doped now - they don't touch the pain but they mong my brain out.

I'll finish this later,

I am a gooooooood mummy!

I have it on the best authority. The child.

And after all, he should know!

I should write on here properly. I will.

Just......

Feeling my blogging mojo is on a break. Either that or my brain has melted from too much tv.


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Where have I been?

Yep. I had it done.

Friday, it was done. Saturday we went to Leamington as I wasn't fit to travel on Friday. Sunday the bandage came back by it's own self! We came home. Monday, and I've had my first day off school (first of two weeks, then two weeks holiday) Lovely nurse lady says people with slim legs often lose their bandage early as the swelling goes down and there's little fat to hold it on. Who knew?

So far today I have

* made solicitors appointment
* made nurse appointment for stitches etc
* made lunch
* knitted
* read
* watched 5 mins of Maury and White trailer trash (they didn't all live in caravans, but oh my, you can take the girl out of the trailer, but the trash is *always* going to be in the girl.)
* watched Ray Mears
* watched Kimora - Life in the Fab Lane.
* watched Ace of Cakes

Things I really did not do because I am poorly and have to sit on the sofa ALL DAY.

* bleach the limescale out of the toilet
* wiped down the toilet
* sorted out the fridge
* two loads of washing

I clearly didn't do any of those things.......

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today

Today is the day.

Nervous? A bit.
Busy?  A lot.
Tired? Oh yeah.

Lem and back last night was a massive ride for all three of us, although AC slept most of it, as was the plan.  Parents evening was not 10 mins though, it was an hour.  It needed to be.  I won't talk about it too much on here, but suffice it to say that selfish mothering has screwed over another child.

When will people realise that childrens needs come first?  Is it such a big concept for people?

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

T-4 days... and counting

Friday is on it's way.

So far the week looks like this.

Monday - Rach round for ANTM final
Tuesday - one-to-one, then Sher round for tea.
Wednesday - dancing - KSW - flying
Thursday - one-to-one - up to Lem for T-boys parents evening
Friday - op - then Lem
Saturday - J's birthday
Sunday - home.

I have to....

clean the fridge
prep the meals for the week
sort the clothes for hospital, Lem, and uniform for the week after.

At least.

In other news.

The peace of having the DC back where it belongs, and the DVLA off my back, is still running through me.  Yes, it may mean hassle and fines and bills for other people, but part of me feels that it's like a relationship.  You want it so bad, you take the rough with the smooth.  You want the pension and the glory of being the Official Armed Forces Widow?  You take the bills and the hassle honey.  Mind you, I don't expect many of them have bothered to chase all the way to the States for the cash.

But today I'm thankful.

I can always find something to be thankful for.  There is always something if a person looks hard enough.

Oh, and today's photo challenge was a picture of someone you miss.

It's a long list.

But I'd say.....

that's some of them.

For all kinds of reasons.

Day 29. A picture of something that can always make me smile.

Two pictures for the price of one. AC and Rich in Sept 2008, the year before he died.

AC and J, February 2011, at his blue belt grading ceremony, 2 years 5 months later.

Always, always, these pictures make me smile. They show a small boys resilience, his determination to carry on, his strength and power and belief in love and the fact that the world carries on, that Rich is safe and with him when he needs him, sees what he does, and sent us an armourer to look after us and that because J knew Rich, and liked him, it is right and proper to love him.

I am so blessed to have his strength in my life.

In other news, DVLA have finally admitted that I am not anything to do with Rich's vehicles, and have the relevant information to do whatever they want to do with the fines. After all, I'm not the legal next of kin. Morally, well.... It came through yesterday. 20 months of arguing, of upsetting letters and worse phone calls, going over and over what happened. And all the while, those who insisted they were the next of kin sat in their ivory towers whilst I defended the house from bailiffs, found information, wrote letters, threatened legal action, held a crying child who refused to pick up the post because some of it is addressed to Rich and he doesn't want it to be "angry-making post."

Now he will. Last night he chatted with J about DVLA, about Rich, about car shows, and we told him that on the two year deathiversary this year, we'll be at Dubs on the Green. He laughed, and said we could picnic and eat ice-cream and Rich would like that because he loves picnics and ice-cream.

My strong, brave, resilient, child, for whom I could write all of my 1000 thankyous to God.

When I think about thanking God for him though, thankyou is such a small word.

Day 28 A picture of something you're afraid of.

Um.

Yeah.



It's a coffin.

I'm not afraid of death.  I'm not afraid of dying.  I'm afraid I'll lose the AC, or worse, that we'll lose J.  I know some people might not get why that is worse, but it would be - because then the AC would be hurting as well.  If it was him that went, then he'd be with Rich and God, and wouldn't be hurting.

Did that make sense?

Maybe.

Posts about pie are more cheerful......

I made pie.





Proper old fashioned tea - chicken bacon mushroom pie, with mash and peas and sweetcorn.





There's two pieces left over for the boys for lunch.

I made the pastry, the filling, the lot. It's a while since I made a pie, and I must do it more often. I've forgotten my proportions, so there was only pastry for the top, but J was fine with that, and AC was finer because he's not that fond of pastry!

In other news........





.... I had to go to town and do something solicitory, and I saw this little notebook and treated myself to it. It's now for noting my thankyous.





....complete with appallingly bad drawings, which I love doing. I like SARK and people like that. I just don't keep pens where I know where they are lol!

Anyway, must get on, beef and tomato and pearl barley casserole for tea after flying, and biscuits to make this morning as well.

It's all go!

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Eleven bells, and.....

....... All's well.

It is.

After Wednesday, J managed to settle The AC and he appears to be fine now. He's still sad inside, and to quote him, he "always will be. Forever. but it will all be fine mummy."

And now it's 1100 on a Tuesday morning and I'm in a coffee shop having sorted out paperwork and so on. I'll go back to school in a bit and spend the afternoon planning the work I need to leave for the two weeks I'm away. A week on Friday they operate.

I'm nervous. I'll tell you, Dear Reader, as long as you don't tell a living soul. Promise?

Good.

I'm nervous. I'm full of what ifs. What if I don't wake up. What if I spasm and they cut all my tendons. What if its not that and it's a million other things. What if, what if, what if?

I'm reading the thousand gifts book at the moment. I'll upload a picture of some of the things I'm thankful for later.


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Indescribable.

I cannot explain how tough it was tonight. Suddenly, the AC started to cry in the middle of the warm up for his Kuk Sool Won. Fiercely, he wiped his eyes, repositioned his stance, formed his hand strikes, and and wiped his eyes once more. I watched him, knowing that if I spoke the dam would burst, but my mummy-heart crumbling in pain as I counted the front kicks, each one with a slightly redder face, a slightly more desperate expression, a slightly more wet arm.

Eventually, I went out, and spoke to one of the instructors, who went to him, and brought him out to me, because he was struggling to cope with his emotions, and the dam did indeed break. He cried, he railed, he groaned. He sounded like a wounded animal, moaning in pain. "why?" he kept asking me. "Why why why why?"

It was all about Rich. I held him whilst his seven year old heart smashed all over again into a thousand thousand pieces. He hated the woman who ran Rich over, he even swore, calling her a bitch. (he apologised for his language later in the evening, and was forgiven)

"Why didn't he try and save himself?"
"Why didn't she stop?"
"Why did he have to die?"

All I could do, was hold him, and hold him, and cry a little with him.


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Day 26. A picture of something that means a lot to you.

I have come to realise, whilst trying to sort through a few thoughts for these posts, that I am not a "things" person in most respects.




But some things are beyond words.

This isn't just a picture of Rich's name in The Book of Remembrance, this is a picture of the respect that the RAF had for someone who wasn't killed in action, wasn't a high-ranking officer, wasn't anything outstanding, but he *was* RAF family. That matters. Lori said she would tell BG that he was a "monkey in a suit". Clearly, he was, and is, and will forever be, more than that. She just didn't get it. This picture means so much because I got it, AC got it, my parents got it, the Padre got it, the armourers got it, every woman who has waved her man off to the Afghan gets it, but she doesn't. She may have the medal, but she doesn't get the ideas and love and respect and Family that is behind it. Deep inside, I don't think she even deserves the medal. She didn't want it anyway.

But this picture, means a lot. Its not a thing that I because this isn't about possessions, or who wins the argument. Its about morals, and what is right, and what the very nature of love is. We get it. AC and I, we always got it. We lived it, breathed it, believed in it, and it didn't let us down when push came to shove and the knock came to my door.

We're going in Easter, I've decided. I'll write to Padre and arrange it, and the AC and I, hopefully J as well, maybe T-boy, depending on when we go, we will show that we still get it.

Once you do, it never leaves you. And if you don't by now, you never will.

Day 25. A picture of my day.

This was my morning yesterday.



It's a model aeroplane club swap meet. It was a lot of fun. Then we flew planes all afternoon, and that was fun.

Today I can tell I did a lot of walking and I'm glad today looks like it might be a bit more relaxed. It's the 7th today, so it's 18 days until they fix this, and I can't wait for that to be over and done with.

Tea. Toast. Togetherness. Love.

All these things are something I am thankful for. I'm reading 1000 gifts at the moment. (Reading if off and on, because I have so much to do lol, which is kind of the point of the book.....) and I will start my list soon, I know.

Not I think.

I know.

Laters lovely peoples.

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Still here! Just.......

.....busy
.....cleaning
.....loving
.....in physical pain
.....looking at camper vans. Of the 1970 type 2 type.
.....reading
.....cooking
.....drinking tea!

Life is ok right now. No response from DVLA as yet. No response from the solicitors as yet. No response from anyone else either. And you know what? I like the quiet......

More tea?

Day 24. A picture of something you wish you could change.

There is no obvious answer to this one.

I can't change how dead Rich is.

I can't change the fact that the She-ex wouldn't let BG attend her own fathers Celebrations.

I can't change the fact that his brother lied to me and took his ashes and I don't know where he is properly.

I can change how I feel about all of that. I can love what we had, not mourn for what should have been. I have it on good authority that he is fine and is happy I am moving on. I'm not sure where I am on that, to be honest.

I can and did, write it all up for the BG, continue to be open and honest on here, maintain a level of openess to communication with her, and pray and love her. I sent her pictures, and I would have loved to have spoken to her after the Celebrations, but I wasn't allowed. We "are nothing to her" now, according to her mother. Well, the she ex and the BG are the ones that miss out with that attitude, but I can work on being forgiving of it. As for his brother, we have Thetford, we have articles here, we have the love and the memories. What he has, I don't know. I'd be there if he'd let me, but he wants nothing to do with us either, won't answer emails, won't answer FB messages, and so again, he is the one missing out right now. He chose not to come to Thetford, his loss.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

The best book in the world ever.  "Love, like starlight, never dies."

We bought it for BG.  Lori "lost" it.  AC had it read to him the night that Rich had died, because it's true.



My favourite fiction book.  This, and Brave New World, and the original Bachman "Running Man", should be read by everyone.

I could put books in forever!  I love to read! Thanks to the iPad, I can have as many books as I want, anytime I want.

Day 22 - a picture of something you wish you were better at.

This is an image pilfered off the web, because mine all have my childrens names on at the moment.

I need to be better at the paperwork side of my job. I need to be better at paperwork altogether I think! Yesterday I did remember to send the DC off to DVLA, so hopefully that is done with now. I remembered to post stuff to J as well, so that's that done as well! But again, I did no planning for school. I taught 3 excellent lessons, and we played bench ball for the fourth, so I'm not seeing a problem, but if the boss asked me for me folder today as in right now, as in bring it to the office before lunchtime, then I'd be knackered.

I don't know why I don't do it. Maybe its just having so much on all the time, who knows. I'll keep praying, and trying to find the time. Well. Making the time.....

Take last night.....

Meeting until almost 6pm.
Home, bath child ( I don't bath him myself anymore, but I clean the bathroom whilst he's in there and we talk and so on - it's valuable time.)
Cook tea, eat tea.
Tidy round a bit.
Look at camper vans with J ready for a few weeks time when we can just *buy* one!
Rach came round for ANTM
made bread
Made biscuits
Began shopping list
Watched something snuggledup with J that ended up with both of us asleep.
Bedtime.

Ok, I could have planned instead of snuggling, but I'm not losing valuable relationship time. And it was already 10pm!

I could plan instead of doing this in the morning. This takes 10-15 mins of my life, and it's cheaper and easier than counselling lol!

There has to be an answer. I'm reading Anne voskops book about 1000 gifts. I need to read it and reread it I think. So far, it makes an awful lot of sense. 2 weeks of enforced idleness might be very, very good for me.