Oh the joy!

The inescapable joy that is book tokens.

Well.

Cards these days that have money on them.  But the serious, serious joy of it.

Yesterday I went shopping with the AC, CP and my collection of gift cards.

I raided Body Shop for sales and smelly things and was given a £5 by them to spend right there and then because it's my birthday. Mmmm! Pomegranate, and banana, and glorious things.

I invaded Game, and used up all my birthday and Christmas and a spot of Tutoring Money to purchase a new X-Box.  The joy of the child was a sight to behold, and the talking of him last night as he tried to decide which games to play first (I wouldn't have replaced it, but to replace the games he loves would have cost as much!) and which games he had played with Rich, and how much he loved gaming with Rich, was worth every single penny.

I made a spirited assault upon WHSmiths, and we all had a magazine.

Finally, oh finally, I allowed us to head into Waterstones.

Oh, the joy of handing over a collection of cards and finding out how much there was on them.  The fabulousness of making an allowance for the boy from the Christmas ones, and then finding the 3 for 2 sections, and then choosing to purchase books by authors I had never read, just because I liked the feel of them, or I'd heard good things, or something felt right when I picked it up.

They were (in no particular order)

A.S.Byatt - The Children's Book (Started it, because it was at the top of the pile!)
Elle Newmark - The Book of Unholy Mischief
Alex Bell - Lex Trent versus The Gods
Michelle Harrison - The 13 Curses
Michelle Laurie - The Undrowned Child
T.S.Learner - Sphinx

The Adorable Child chose a copy of the DK exploded diagrams book about the Star Wars vehicles.  He loves reading - he would, he's growing up surrounded by books, with a mother and step-father who read a lot. (Sort out your own tenses in that sentence, I'm in a fearfully good mood!)  Excellent modelling of reading will create someone who puts effort into reading, just for the sheer love of it.

There are many *things* I love in the world.

Free books are at the top.

It is a true delight and a blessing to have friends who understand me and I am praising God for this very mahoosive gift!

A, he's an Armourer's son......

 

The AC is still sure that he wants to be an armourer like Rich when he grows up.  What more is there to say?

Sssssh! *bleugh*

It's been a few days.

Since my birthday, in fact. It went really well, the biscuits, cakes and so on that I took in to school were consumed with much enjoyment and recipe requests. There was much sadness that I was going to be sat here on my own in the evening, from other people, and actually, I was fine.

Until I started being a frequent visitor to the Smallest Room. Then REALLY frequent. Then just took a book and waited.

Then the vomiting started. That was special.

It was all over with by midnight, but obviously I phoned into school as I'm not stupid enough to go in passing bugs around.

However, someone clearly had been because the next day there were 60+ children reported in sick, and more sent home during the day. Today there were 117 sick, + more sent home during the day.

The AC started at 4.30, stopped at 11, as set to go to Daddy's at 3, Daddy was late, AC was sick at 3.10, so he and I (mainly him, as he is a responsible 6 year old) decided he would stay here. Before we had chance to tell Daddy that though, he was very clearly not having him. That's ok.

AC wished Rich was here, because Rich would have cared, and that's all he had to say on it.

We've spent the day dozing, chilling out together, and relaxing, and the AC has told me things about him and Rich I didn't know, like just what they got up to on the Friday before Rich died, (oooh! those naughty boys!) and how they were going to make the summer special and things like that.

*sigh*

On that note, I had an email from the She-Ex the other day, as apparently the BG had asked about the AC. I answered it, after a couple of days of thinking, and was very open and honest with her - she can't take away anything else after all. I haven't heard back, which is ok, and just the way it is.

RIght. The question of the day is, do I wake the AC up or not. He's been asleep for 3 hours, which is obviously what he needs, but he's also supposed to be going to bed in an hour.... ho hum....

Happy Birthday Me Tomorrow.

Well.

Less than an hour.

Almost time for a midlife crisis perhaps?

I'm so funny.......

And so tired.

so g'night people. See you when I'm old.

er.

I'm confused!

Seriously confused.

I suppose that's just life really.

My Grieving Anti-Widow status is getting tricky this week, buckets of tears, no cow noises. It's almost like last week I could cope because last week had a name. This week doesn't. It's just another week without Rich.

They are all going to be weeks without him.

Again and again and again.

The AC had a tantrum at school, and tantrum is the only word I can use, because he was tired, frustrated, hurting and wanted something he couldn't have, namely Rich back. I wish I could. I am so glad it was not something that I decided that separated them, because I could not live with the guilt of seeing his face like that and knowing I could fix it. But I can't fix this.

I want to, but I can't.

Bed.

It will all be better in the morning.............

God's call

I have been asked to speak at church this morning, about my call from God. Unfortunately I can't do it without crying today, so we'll see how it goes.

What is God calling me to do?

To be honest, when I was asked about doing this, about talking in front of people for a couple of minutes, I didn't answer. I actually held my breath. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know if I could do this. I wrote it down so that if I don't get to the end, someone else will do it for me.

I thought about the question over the next few days. I thought about all the things I felt God had called me to in the past. I know He called me to teaching, and in all the jobs I've had, I could look back and say, Yes, that's where he wanted me right that time, and now I see why. Maybe it was the child who just needed someone at the right time to get them over a hurdle, to find the thing that was stopping them learning - like the little girl who was petite mal fitting up to 100 times a day, and forgetting the last couple of minutes every time and nobody knew. Maybe it was the class who had had a series of supply teachers since they were in Reception, and for who, by the time I had been there 3 months, I was the longest serving teacher they had ever had. Maybe it was the child I don't remember now, because I was the right person at the right time and I didn't even know. But in the dark times, when I couldn't help, when I knew the child I was sending home was going to an unsafe place, or that the parent I was talking to wasn't listening because I was "just a teacher and knew nothing about the real world" I questioned what God was calling me to do. What difference was I making?

But that's not now.

Later, God called me to mothering, stay at home, hippy-earth mothering with a joy and a delight and a love of freshly washed nappies and a happiness that only came from being with the Adorable Child. He was a wonderful baby, but when he was ill at 6 months old, and we didn't know why, and the longest he slept was 40 minutes at a time before waking and screaming in pain, I didn't understand. I remember standing at 3am, with an exhausted child, sick dripping off my elbow, lying him down to sleep on a towel with a towel over him because we'd run out of sheets, and questioning what kind of mother I was when I couldn't even make a difference to my son. I couldn't stop the pain.

But that's not now either.

5 years ago we moved and I met new people. 4 years ago Rich and I started "walking out" together. We bought a house together, we planned a life together, we raised the Adorable Samchild together and planned a family of our own. I was teaching again, and trying to listen to God, and feeling His call to work with Special Needs children, with children on the autistic spectrum, with dyslexia, with complex needs. Children who just needed a little more time. We seemed to understand each other, they and I. I seemed to be able to finally answer His call, of mothering and teaching and loving and doing it all and even managing to serve the Church in a small way with the notices.

That's not now either.

In July, we all know what happened, and it took a little while before I realised where God was in the accident, what God was calling me to do.

He was calling me to love Him, regardless. To show that love, regardless. To make a difference in the world around me just by loving God and being proud of it and hanging on to it when everything else was tumbling. He was calling me to trust Him, and to show that I trusted Him, to show that the words I had read, the rituals I had gone through, the prayers I had said and thought, the communions I had taken and the sermons I had mostly listened to were worth it, and that when push came to shove, I leant on Him. It's a call to cope, a call to say "Yes, I can do all things through He who strengthens me." It was that call that got me out of my chair to read His words, ending on that verse at Rich's Celebration. It's still a call to mother with all that I am, to teach, to serve, but it's a call to do it with God at the forefront, not just as the Sunday morning extra.

I am lucky, in so many ways, to have friends and family who love my son and I. It's encouraging to hear and to read that they admire my strength, that my coping is an inspiration, that the way I have picked myself up and got on with life is something they hope they could do in the same situation, heaven forbid they are ever where Sam and I are now. As many times as I can though, I tell them, I can only do this because I have family, and friends, and because London Road behind me, because I have Methodism behind me, and because through them and with them I have God next to me.

So that's where I feel His call is leading me now. To accept the love and care and support and prayers I've been so wonderfully given, and to send them on, both back to Him with thanks, and to others with the message that He is there for me through all of this, and He'd be there for you as well. The call from Him, is to go back to Him, and bring my friends.

I love my friends.

I just wanted to say that.

They pitch up, every week, we game (currently x-crawl) and we laugh, and they lead me out of the gloom of a Friday night and into the new week.

And life is good.

I can see his face in my mind today, all over the place.  I can see his living, laughing, loving face, and his cold, dead, still face.  I can feel his skin under my hands, both times.  I can hear him tell me he loves me, that he's never been this happy, that they are ex's for a reason, that he'd love a cup of tea, that Joe is his streamline racing kitty, all the things he always says on a Saturday, when we spend a lot of the morning in bed, some of it in town, some of it talking about whatever nonsense the She-ex is on about now, or whatever stunt the He-Ex is trying to pull, and the afternoon snugged up together before getting ready for game.

I went to the shed for some tiles, and his bags are still there.  Still there.  Blue, marked with the hospital tags.  Charlie and I have discussed options, and we're going to deal with them.  Then his friends and I will take the AC somewhere to return his ashes to the ground, because his last blood is in them.  AC will have somewhere to go, that he understands, because he doesn't understand how Ian just took Rich and threw him on a hill (according to the AC) without us and without the BG, just like we didn't matter.  The AC doesn't understand wht the BG wasn't allowed to come to her own Daddy's Celebration, even if it was a long way away.

*phone*

(then bed.)

..... continuation.

It's 189 days today.

Yeah.

Anyway, where were we?

Oh yes.

The Adorable Child.

His needs come first.  They always have, they always will.  Both the children have always been the most important people to us.  There wasn't a lot we could do for the BG, although we were working on it, but we were doing things for the AC.  We love him so much, we had a future as a family.  Rich and the AC did homework together whilst I cooked, even when the AC didn't want to.  AC was talking about changing his name to Rich's surname, and Rich was looking into adopting him.  The AC wanted, and still wants, to be Rich when he grows up, because he worshipped him the way a little boy should worship his Daddy.  As the saying goes, "Any man can be a father, it takes someone special to be a Daddy."

What that means, for me right now, is that his loss is so powerful.  We got the close relationship that we all wanted together, and that means that there is a world of pain for that small child.  Some days there are tears at school.  Some days there aren't.  Some days he's angry, some days he's not.  He shouts and rails at God, at the world.  He's not angry at Richard, or bikes, or anything like that.  He says to me that he knows Rich didn't want to go, and he knows that Rich still loves us and is still around for him.  He believes that Rich fights the monsters for him, before they get a chance to get under his bed. Things like that.  Things that a child should believe and love about their father.

That has a bearing on any relationship I might think about.  Is the AC ready for it?  Will he be able to process the things that are going on?  Right now, the answers are no, he's not ready yet.  That's ok.  His needs come first.  I don't want him growing up thinking that a Daddy can be replaced as quick as that.  Yes, there are lots of chaps who drop in when they are passing, but they were friends of *ours* not mine.  They dropped in when Rich was here, they're still dropping in, because that's what friends do.  They aren't "special" friends.  Or "friends with privileges" as is the current parlance of the youf.  They just are lovely, lovely people.

We're so lucky.

I suppose what it comes down to is that the AC and I are where we are.  We are so strong together, we love each other, he's such a good boy, so loving, so caring - his first thought after hearing of the death was for BG, and his second was that Rich could see her whenever he wanted to now.  That's a special child.  Maybe I'm biased, but I think that's a special boy.  We'll meet someone one day I expect, and if we don't, that's ok as well.  He has plenty of strong male rolemodels that he can call on if he needs to.  (Plenty of people to moan to about me lol!)

I should be wrapping up this soliloquy now, but there's no conclusion other than I guess we wait, watch and pray.  And please do, if you are of that persuasion, pray for my son.  He hurts.

To be fair......

..... I am struggling a bit tonight.

I'm on the sofa with the cats and the laptop, with rubbish on the tv and an untidy house, and thinking, "Well, this could be it,."

It won't be.  but it *could* be.

I don't want it to be.

See, there's the thing.

I'd like to have someone in my life again, I'd like to share my day, and make tea for and so on.  I'd like the AC to have someone to come home to, that isn't me, when he needs to talk about something I've done, I suppose.  I know he has other people to go to, and he knows that there is a list of phone numbers that he can call whenever he wants to.  I'd like to go for walks and sit on the sofa (no, I know not at the same time) and someone to bake for.

But then when I think about the other side of a relationship, the intimacy involved (I'm not spelling it out here people) then I don't want that with anyone except Rich.  He was so special, so amazing, so caring and wonderful and that side of our life was so good, because we understood each other and what we didn't understand we found out. ;-)  We love each other so much, and that made a HUGE difference.  We tried a lot of things that I'd never tried before, and some that he hadn't, but there was never any pressure to do anything that we didn't want to do.  We both loved sex so much, and I know what I know, and I know what he told me, that neither of us had ever had it so good, as they say.

It's been on my mind a lot in the last week.  I could be in a relationship now.  A full on, it's going somewhere, relationship.  I'm not.  Why aren't I?  Because I love Rich.  Because right now, there isn't any room for someone else,  even if he is very eligible, good wage, good career, all that stuff.  Even if he is a lovely, lovely chap.  Even if he is fun to be around and would provide the strong father figure my son needs.

There's another thing.

AC doesn't need anyone yet.  He's still hurting and it's coming to anger.  We're dealing with it, carefully, slowly, with counselling and love and support.  Play therapy has been suggested, and currently is in the "Thankyou, we'll keep that in mind" pile.

*Phone* 

6 months +1

And there we go.

The morning after the night before.  And so on.

6 months ago, this was the post for the morning after the night before.

Today, I'm thinking about a lot of things.  I wrote on the blog for BG last night.  I didn't email and say I'd done it, because I'm not up to the answer I'll get from the She-Ex.  It would probably be fine, but on the off chance it wasn't, I didn't.  I'll let her know later.  Last time I emailed her I got told that family means something different to her, and that she doesn't just shut it off when it does something she doesn't like.  But that's what she did to Rich.  I guess family is only blood to her, and only her own blood at that.  It's an irrelevance anyway.  I know all I need to know about her family, I've read the things she's written, heard the words she's spoken, and love my family all the more for it.

Yesterday the AC raged and railed against God in a tantrum that lasted a good 5 minutes.  He doesn't understand why God did it, and doesn't see that God acts for a purpose - why would he?  He's 6.  At almost-35-years-young (!) I don't always get it.  I don't see why Rich was taken, but I see God's hand in the speed, in the lack of anyone else being injured, in the timing of it on the last day of term, in the existence of the nurse AT the scene so we knew he was dead immediately, if not before then, in the support of the RAF for me and their unhidden love for the AC.  That's where God was in all of this.  Rich is saved from arthritis, from the pain in his legs, from the She-Ex and her nastiness to him, (about whom my claustrophobic man once said he'd rather live in his 12x12 room than with her again), from so many things.

The small child who wants his Richard back doesn't care for all that right now though.  We went through his memory box, added some ID cards and things we had found and set aside (I have no idea where he keeps this box, I just know it's upstairs somewhere) and talked.  He got a piece of paper and wrote "The best stepdad in the world is Ritch" (sic) and put that in there as well.

It's a complicated day.

Today is a whole new day though, so I'm off to the shower.

6 months.

6 months ago this moment, my life was beautiful.

6 months later, this moment, right now?

My life is very strange.

I am happy, and I am sad.

I've had a lovely weekend, and I am heartbroken.

I've spent time with friends, and I am alone.

I am surrounded with love, and I will never love again like that.

But the world moves on.

I must move with it, or perish.

The child needs me too much for me to perish.  I will not give in to this.  I'm a RAF WAG, I can do anything....

Sharing a moment

Last night I put the child to bed.

He got up again, as is his way at the moment, and wanted to talk to me about Richard.  He always calls him Richard, always has from as soon as he could say it.  For a long time it was "Richit" and I miss those days of small family.

Anyway, he wanted to talk about Rich, and so he snuggled onto my lap.  He said he'd been thinking. He'd been thinking about all the great things we did.  We talked, and he remembered....

going to Landrover shows
walking in town.
"You smell the most."
Rich holding him upside down by his feet and playing
the swimming pool
playing World of Warcraft.

There were others, but just for those moments, there was less pain in our remembering, and more joy and love.  I suppose every journey, whether real or metaphysical, starts with a small step like this.

I spoke to AB afterwards, and we talked about the day.  How beautiful this moment had been, and how much I'd needed that after the day of someone bringing their new nad beautiful twins in to school, (one boy, one girl) and how one of the TA's had told me that at nearly 35 my child-rearing days were probably over.  I cried.  In school. Because truth hurts.

No-one saw me.  It was ok.  Kinda.  And she didn't mean it nastily, she was just thinking on the outside.  I know how that feels, I've done it so many times.

I had flowers today as well, from Mandy at school.  They had a note on the outside.  "For Sunday.  Because it's still shit."

She's right.  But it's small steps towards a less bad existence.  He won't be coming back.  I saw his body, and the second time he didn't really look like him, not his whole face.  It was his nose, his mouth, his eyes, his ears, but altogether, not his face.  I can't explain it really.  But it wasn't.  That helped.

The weekend looms, and it should be quite nice.

Dinner out tonight, then back and gaming tomorrow, and church on Sunday, and sewing and prep all afternoon.

It will all be fine.

I won't have it any other way.

*yawn*

57 pens.
2 rulers
3 mugs
a blanket
7 bags
4 squishy things
lots of catalogues
Champion School status

Yeah.

BETT was ok this year.

I missed Rich though, missed him so much.  We sat down to talk to Education City people, and it was just like last year.  Just like it.  We saw the Dell Robot, we saw the floor mats, we saw stuff that Rich and I had talked about and laughed about last year.

We saw WoW in 3d.  COOL!

I can't imagine not missing him.  I can't imagine, being glad, as the She-Ex is, that he is gone.  She was glad that he went to the desert with work, and she is gladder still he he is dead.  Even though her daughter has no Daddy now, she is glad.  How does that work?  I don't know.

AC had a bad morning before we went, just wanting things to be the same as last year.  We make little traditions, the boy and I and Rich, and a few of those are BETT related.  But he is opening up in his counselling time now.  He has talked about what happened, and how he feels about it, and how he feels I feel about it, and he's doing ok.  He needs this time to get through this trauma, or else it will affect him for the rest of his life.  Poor, poor boy.

But I should be getting on.  Just tired and a bit introspective.  AB and I had a long chat last night on messengervideo, which was nice, and he laughed at my pen collecting!

Still around....

... just taking some time out to reflect.

There's been a distinct polarisation of my emotions recently.  On the one hand, I am living life without Rich in it. I am enjoying my life.  Not as much as I did with him, but then life is what we make it, as I keep saying, and I choose not to be bitter and miserable and blame the world.  On the other, when I have the feeling of missing him, it's more extreme. It tears my soul.  It lasts longer, but comes less often.  It rips through me like a hurricane, rather than the thunderstorms of the past.

And tomorrow is BETT10.

I've just looked through the other blog, the one for BG, the one that no-one has looked at for a looooooooooong time, and seen the pictures of us at BETT09.  It was a fabulous day, Rich was a great governor and loved the tech shows.  He always put the children and the school first.  He was always so enthusiastic about BETT especially, and we'd talked that this year we would go to London for Friday/Saturday, and stay at Jack's, and go on the London Eye and do the tourist thing.

I know we won't now, obviously.

BETT will still be good, in it's own way.  Ru is coming with me, and we'll have a laugh, we always do, but the last 2 years it's been Rich, and that's going to be hard.

I'll make it ok though.  That's what I do best.

Saturday snow day!

It's still snowing.

I don't mind it really.

We are all set with basics of foods, plenty in the freezer, plenty of flour, veg box delievered yesterday, it's all good.  The milk is longer life so that'll last, although I might walk down to Tesco later and pick some up.

As there was no school yesterday, and I didn't teach what I'd planned on Thursday, I've got a couple of days plans done, but I'll do more of that I expect.

Life could be worse.

I even have a dinner invitation and visitors tomorrow, regardless of snow apparently.

The AC and I have another adventure planned for the holidays - not Paris because it's too cold, but down to Hoddeston to see friends from Uni, then up to Wales to see lovely Welsh friend.

Not only that, but we have Campion, Ruth Rendall Mysteries and some interesting Sci-Fi films on tv today.  I'm sewing.

I'll catch you later.

It's a Friday again...

.... another one.

They keep coming, these Fridays.  25 of them now.  25 Friday nights.

Friday nights are worse than other nights.  They were our nights.  They were nights when we didn't think about other people, except us, and phoning the BG at the end of the night.  They were cinema nights, dining out nights, staying in together nights, eating chinese nights, cuddling nights, snuggling nights, playing nights.  They were nights when the AC was at his fathers, and so we were able to do what everyone told us we should, and take time out from being parents for the night. 

Well, we never managed it to the extent that some parents are able to.  That's ok, it's fine for them, it's fine for us.  Different people parent different ways, but Friday nights were amazing for us.  We loved them.

Friday nights now are ok.  They are what they are.  Tonight I shall sew and clean and do what I usually do on a Friday night, although less of it because I've spent the day at home with the AC as school was shut for a Snow Day.  We've cleaned and played and cooked and done things together.  We've discussed momentum and snow physics and all kinds of things.  It's made me realised all over again just how much I want to homeschool.  I can't, I can't afford to, and it wouldn't be fair to him now to just pull him out, although he's not as happy as he could be.  We can work on that though - he is what we make him.  Rich has done a fine job so far of turning him into a loving and well behaved young man, and I get to finish the task.  And I will, and he will be gorgeous, because he has a loving family, and a huge extended family and friends, and the world will look out for that child, because they know that's what he deserves. 

It's funny how it always ends up being about Rich and the AC.  Really, it is.

Or is it?  After all, they are what my life should be about.  They are where my focus should be.  I'm a good wife, and a good mother, even if Rich and I never married on paper.

Ah well.  It doesn't suit everyone, but it suits me, it suits the AC, and it suited Rich.  I like life not being all about me. 

From a friend

I was sent this by a lovely, loving friend, and I've read it about a thousand times now (well, almost that many) and it makes so much sense.  Last night and today I've missed Rich as though it was the first week again, and that's ok, that's just the way it is.  But I don't want to shorten my time with undue grief.

*hug*

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free!
I follow the plan God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took His hand and left it all...
I could not stay another day,
To love, to laugh, to work or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss...
Ah yes, these things I, too, shall miss.
My life's been full, I've savoured much:
Good times, good friends, a loved-one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief—
Don't shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with tears of sorrow,
Enjoy the sunshine of the morrow.

Ok so.....

.... it's a new day.

I've had 3 hours sleep, not all joined together, and that's ok.

I am going into school with a new attitude, and that's ok.

I've woken up to a reasonably polite email from the She-Ex, with an apology "for all the hostility" which is ok.  The rest of it was.... well.... because of my professional opinion I know stuff she doesn't, and that means that I don't agree with what she's doing, but then that's the way it is.  I know what Rich would say and he wouldn't agree with the quick fix solution either, but then if I was a parent in that situation, instead of a professional who looks long term, maybe I'd go for that.  However, after busting myself to get everything done, she now doesn't want me to send the AC until after the 14th.  It goes when it goes now though.  It's not my problem anymore.  She's also sent me a link to her blog, but I don't know if I want to look at it yet.  The one I didn't want to read, well, it's still not read.  One day I'll look, but not today, not if she's decided to be nice (because she wants me to do things when *she* says..... see.  It's a cynical day as well lol!)  I'll reply later though.

I'm enjoying a new website, and finding it very helpful - rootines cracks me up and gets me going!

Oh, and I've decided not to join the French foreign legion, but to drink more tea.  This was mainly helped by a long conversation with AB yesterday afternoon, who lovingly sat and listened to me cry about Rich, and a long conversation with the lovely Annilee in the night time, who lovingly sat and listened to me cry about Rich, then chatted about her life which is so normal for us, and it was lovely just to have that conversation with h  She's so great.

Ok, so, I think that's it.......

Man, I am tired! lol!

Up and running and that's ok..........

.... kinda!

I've had a minor hissy fit at school and considered joining here

http://www.legion-recrute.com/en/

Yes,  the foreign legion.

It has to be easier than the current job.

*sigh*

Oh I'm kidding.

Kinda.

I love my job.  Teaching is the best job in the world.

Teachers are the hardest person to teach though........................

Back to school!

Meeting the new head today.

Rich chose her with me in mind apparently, so I hope it's all ok.

I think so.

Laters people.

The end of an era.

On New Years Day I watched Dr Who, like millions of others.  I had a realisation - an epiphany, if you will.  I talked it over with Charlie last night, and with Andy today, and it makes sense.  A lot of sense.

Rich and I often joked that he was my Doctor.  He had the same wry sense of humour, the same ability to rescue the girl and save the world, the same devotion to his woman, the same attitude to life.  He had lived before, he had loved before, but this was the best it would ever be.  When Rich died, I was lost, drifting along.  I have no idea what I taught last term, without looking at the plans *ahem* and so as of tomorrow, I'm starting at the beginning again.

That was kind of my start in my thinking really.  Starting again.  I've started again before, after Steve, after Simon, after the AC was born, and each time I was different, I was more of me.  All those people helped make me into who I am, the same as the experiences that I had and the life I lived and the schools I taught in and all those things. 

Rich made me stronger, braver, smarter, more confident.  He encouraged me to tap into my creativity by buying me a sewing machine, making me space to work, encouraging me to bake by trying things that he didn't know if he would like, by having faith in me, trusting me to handle the money, believing in me when I made a decision, stepping out in his own decisions, and most of all by loving me with all of his heart and soul.

So  now what do I do with all he taught me?  Put it away?  Or step forward into the future?  The answer is obvious really.  I jump forward, with a mighty run up and arm swing.  Do I ignore his gadgets and the things that he dealt with, or do I work hard to understand, reshoulder the burdens that he took from me, and get on with it?

The temptaion, and I'll be honest, is to do nothing.  To sit here on the sofa and do nothing.  It's not chilling out, because I'm not relaxing, I'm just existing.  Half the time I'm not even breathing.  Trust me, Mark the Officer knows how good I am at that.  But it;s not good for me.  I do know.

So I'm going to go and make myself some tea, do my evening routine, and get ready for school tomorrow, to be the best teacher I can be. 

AB was here today with K, all afternoon.  We did lunch at Pizza Hut, and bought fish, and the children played, and life was good.  Life was the way it should have been, but it was a different face, a different body, a different voice.  It was 2 parents, watching children playing, making tea, doing stuff.  And it was ok.  AC and AB talked about Rich, and AB helped AC put his beret on properly.  Whilst AB may or may not be part of my future, this afternoon showed me that there could be one, with someone else.  It didn't stop me crying just now, crying because I wanted it to be Rich that I'd spent the afternoon with, crying because I wanted it to be Rich showing AC how to wear a beret, or because I wanted to wake up with Rich this morning.  But AC needs a man around, he needs that kind of role model.

I need space and time and whilst I need Rich back, I accept I can't have him, and I won't spend years moping about it.  I expect I'll get some flack from people for it, whenever it happens, who ever it happens with, and it isn't happening yet, and won't for a while, but it won't suit everyone anyway.  What matters is that it suits AC and I.

And that was what happened.  The Doctor regenerated, and so did Rich, and so did I.  We all changed into other people.

I wonder who we are.

"Still not ginger!".........

Family

Mums birthday was AMAZING!!!!

Shattered, in pain for stupid reason, tell you all about it tomorrow.



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Happy New Year?

I'm not really sure what to put in this post.

Usually they are looks back at the year past.  Well, we all know what happened this year.  The major, life changing event.  Rich's death will mark 2009 for me, forever.

Sometimes they are about looking forward.

I have a beautiful son, and cats, and fish, and a crayfish.
I have friends and family who love and support me.
I have a job I love. (The new head may change that, and may not, who knows.)
I have a place to live that is mine, and I love it.
I have someone who is waiting for me to be ready, and is being a wonderful friend in the meantime.  He knows I may never be ready though, and I've told him not to wait forever.
I have a future.

That's forward.

Soemtimes they are about goals.

My goals for 2009?

Complete learning to drive and get Ellie on the road.

Have a quilt displayed.

Take time for me.

So there we are.  It's been a harsh year, but there have been some excellent points.  This time last year we were together, and happy.  Today, I'm on my own, and my son is at his fathers.  He's having him today because tomorrow he's coming back early to a family meal at Frankie and Bennys.  His father and I have a good relationship that we worked on for the sake of our son.  It's been a blessing, this year in particular, and even though he is a wombat at times, and I totally remember the reasons why we divorced, he's still my sons father, and I respect him for that.

As for the email that is lurking in the inbox?

It can stay there.  I'll open it later.  Later is good.  Now isn't!  I have cakes to make and decorate and so on.